FUTURE

I’m a 4001 rapper

Sittin’ on a crapper

Takin a dump the old way

In an outhouse on a cold day

 

Thinkin’ about my robot bitches

And their computer glitches

One’s kind of dusty

Ones pussy is rusty

 

She clamped down and wouldn’t let go

I had to forget that ho

She ate his dick for a snack

But wouldn’t give the money back

 

I must be constipated

I push and push while others waited

17,000 share one stall

Overpopulation’s killing us all

 

Toilet paper’s a flat rock

After I wipe, I roll it up in a sock

It makes a good pillow

After a supper of armadillo

 

I’m 600-years-old, I should be retired

Spend most of my day lookin’ for a fire

Some place to warm my old bones

Until my bitches return home

 

My time is almost up

My prostate is a big as a teacup

I can’t urinate. I can’t defecate.

But 17,000 won’t wait

 

I think about the past

Nothing was made to last

The future wasn’t planned

Like a house built on sand

 

 

SANTA IS DEAD.

 

Let me introduce myself

I’m MC Elf

Took a gun off the shelf

 

Santa is dead

Put a bullet in his head

 

He was livin’ large

Now I’m in charge

 

Can you hear the applause?

For a dead Santa Claus

 

He had me sleepin’ with reindeer

Like a bull queer

This was my answer

For having to fuck Prancer

Sometimes Old Saint Nick

Wanted me to suck his dick

 

But that wasn’t the only reason

For my arctic treason

 

I did it for Mrs. Kringle

The bitch wanted to be single

 

I thought her wet hole

Would be jumpin on my North Pole

 

She told me she was rich

I wanted to marry the bitch

She’d be a CEO

And I’d be her man ho

A pint-sized gigolo

With a massive portfolio

 

But how quickly she made my joy end

When she introduced me to her boyfriend

 

How was I to know, man

She liked the abominable snowman

 

She called the Mounties

Now I’m wanted in 3 counties

 

I’m back in Cali

Livin’ in an alley

Wearin’ cornrows

And doin’ midget pornos

 

She’s holding Xmas hostage

And sucking Yeti’s sausage

 

People wonder how I could do it

Shoot him with a single bullet

But it had to happen sooner or later

When you work for a fat dictator

 

 

BEATDOWN

 

Chorus:

I’m getting ready for a beatdown

About to get my ass kicked

If you have a chance

Call an ambulance

 

My papa named me Bitch

 

I’m a low-class lover

Always looking for cover

Hidin under my mama’s skirt

Trying not to get hurt

 

Mommy doesn’t like me to fight

I get hit with a left and then a right

I turn the other cheek

While they beat on my physique

 

I sit alone at lunch

Far away from the Wild Bunch

Over by the faculty

Where no bully can get to me

 

Chorus:

I’m getting ready for a beatdown

About to get my ass kicked

If you have a chance

Call an ambulance

 

After the last bell

I ran like Hell

No day was an exemption

Like Shawshank without the redemption

 

It was the start of summer vacation

Three months of estivation

How did I get to be this way?

Everyone thinks I’m gay

 

My mother saw my expression

She said, “I have a confession.

There’s a reason for your first name.

A reason for your shame.

You were his kid

He wanted you to go through what he did.”

She handed me a brown paper bag

On a card my father had written, “My papa named me Fag.”.

 

Chorus:

I’m getting ready for a beatdown

About to get my ass kicked

If you have a chance

Call an ambulance

 

LANDO

 

I’m the galaxy’s number one playa

Pimpin’ Princess Leia

 

She’s eighteen

And clean

Know what I mean?

 

A fantasy

In poetry

Know what I mean?

 

I first saw her butt

Chained up by Jabba the Hutt

She looked like a slut

 

Another cheap Rebel ho

A lot of trouble though

According to my friend, Lando

 

He saw something in her

Wanted to be her best customer

But Jabba wanted her for dinner

 

Lando was a smuggler and cardshark

He usually liked his meat dark

But Leia made his dick spark

 

It looked like he had a light saber in his pants

And that was our chance

He’d bitch slap Jabba during Leia’s dance

 

Jabba didn’t have much rhythm

And Lando knew where to hit him

His big, black dick nearly killed him

 

I unchained the Princess

Lando came at her with eighteen inches

He fucked her for thirty minutes

 

Now she’s my Star Whore

The bitch begs for more

We’ll spend the next Millenium Fucking Her.